Opinion | To have when too old

The term, “too old” is about as subjective as it gets. Who sez? Against what measure? I may be too old for the bossa nova but the tango is a breeze! If you make a mistake, just tango on. Age is personal. Some are old at 60 and others at 90. People are living longer and accordingly annoying more people.

It’s payback time. What flummoxes me is the ability of humans to adjust. Assume for a moment the common chain of events that maps out our lives.

You spend a good portion of your youth seeking the perfect partner, and, if lucky, you discover that person and two lives begin in tandem ploughing a furrow, if I may use that analogy. Up to that moment, you don’t have a “furrow”. You are a wild spirit able to adjust to almost any situation.

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When locked in holy monotony as it were, the plough sinks in and a furrow begins. This phenomenon, although not fully recognised, nonetheless exists. You each start to adapt, tentatively, to each other’s idiosyncrasies and foibles as they develop over the years. This adaptation is essentially subconscious.

Our unique elements make us who we are. Those elements, however, tend to blend with that of your partners, albeit hesitatingly.

Although there may be occasions for a disagreement stimulating the notion to employ a “half nelson”, the “pretzel grip” or indeed a ladder to exit the furrow, generally, you both furrow on together in your combined unique way.

Power plays, adjustments, capitulations, all occur regularly but are constrained to the communal groove. In fact, one eventually becomes so entrenched by ones behavioural patterns it would seem unthinkable to waiver from your time proven course. Then something profound happens.

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One partner passes on, either to pastures greener or subterranean. You are now semi-stagnant, suffocating in a foxhole as opposed to the trench. Often, an old family friend emerges from the woodwork and voila! You see the possibility of a second chance at companionship.

Thus a great reset takes place. Either you clamber with difficulty out of your refuge or you attempt to coax, if not drag, the other in. The problem is, the other person is in their own trench and is accordingly harbouring similar ideas and strategies.

Despite this, by all accounts, people in this scenario have a remarkable way of finding commonality in a new trench with different parameters and goals. It’s called compromise. I have no idea how they do it. The fact of the matter is, evidence suggests that success is remarkably common.

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A cynic once said that he and his partner were happy for 20 years. Then they got married. He went on to say that marriage is not a word, it’s a sentence!

Let’s face it, the “shackling” of two people in holy deadlock tends to get a bad rep somewhat unfairly, as it’s as common as burst water pipes in Johannesburg. Those who have the good fortune to accept a second chance are not only brave, but most often, victorious.

Open and honest relationships are, I’m told, the secret, though taken too literally, may be counter intuitive. Don’t get carried away with honesty.

That same cynic aforementioned, said that he felt he needed to be honest with his wife and accordingly told her he had been seeing a psychiatrist. She too admitted to seeing the psychiatrist … as well as the plumber and the barman. Too much candour. You’re never too old to “have”, and when you do, hold it for all you’re worth!

Conor O’Hagan Ward is a retired hotelier with a penchant for wine, women and wild life.